“Only trust thyself, and another shall not betray thee
-William Penn (1644-1718)
While there are many definitions of the word “betrayal,” my favorite is: being harmed, physically or emotionally, by the intentional actions or omissions of a trusted person. In other words, unwanted and unexpected ills befall an individual due to the actions (or inactions) of someone who was trusted.
Among others, that “trusted person” could be a spouse, sibling, offspring, business partner, professional colleague, co-worker, neighbor, or friend.
Common forms of betrayal include disclosure of confidential information, sexual infidelity, theft, backstabbing, and disloyalty. Betrayal is ubiquitous; one might even say universal. As Albert Camus said, “I used to advertise my loyalty, but I don’t believe there is a single person I loved that I didn’t eventually betray.”
The history of betrayal is long and colorful. Take, for example, the Old Testament stories of a brother’s betrayal (Cain and Abel) and a lover’s betrayal (Samson and Delilah). Of course, the most famous prototypical betrayal was Judas Iscariot’s surrendering up Jesus Christ for 30 pieces of silver. Another infamous betrayal was Brutus taking part in the assassination of his close friend and one-time political ally, Julius Caesar. A well-publicized modern betrayal consisted of a Ponzi scheme devised by financier and investment advisor, Bernie Madoff, whereby thousands of people–many of whom were ostensibly his close friends–were collectively defrauded out of billions of dollars.
So, what does this have to do with dermatology? Believe it or not, betrayal occurs within our realm as well. Let me give you just a few examples observed during my own career. How about the former resident who–after graduation–literally poached nursing staff from the very program which provided his dermatological training? Or the colleague with whom I worked closely on a project who surreptitiously submitted a poster for the AAD annual meeting–excluding my name! How about the dermatologist who submitted claims of immoral behavior to a professional ethics board simply to harass a competing rival in the same small market? Or the patient who left one practice only because of insurance coverage, who revealed that her new dermatologist was continually demeaning the prior one? How about the trusted receptionist who was selling patients’ credit card numbers to members of the dark web? There are many more examples. Sooner or later you, too, will be betrayed.
The natural initial consequences of betrayal are surprise and confusion, followed shortly thereafter by shock, loss, and grief. These may be supplanted by anger and disgust. Severe, catastrophic betrayal can have long-term, devastating consequences, such as damaged self-esteem and self-doubt, admixed with measures of fear and shame.
The important question becomes: How best to deal with betrayal?
Although it might seem appropriate to seek revenge, retaliation is seldom productive.
Best to take some time to try and understand what happened and why. Was it simple carelessness? Was the betrayal motivated by greed or jealousy? Was it deliberately meant to be cruel?
At the same time, analyze the relationship. Was it really worth the time and energy you invested in it?
It might be helpful–even cathartic–to talk about this with a neutral third party. While it is advisable to initially avoid, as much as possible, the perpetrator of betrayal, eventually you need to confront the offender to tell them verbally or in writing how their actions made you feel then and how they still affect you.
Don’t focus on the person responsible for the betrayal. Instead, focus on yourself. Start sentences with the word “I” and not with the word “You.” That way, the betrayer won’t be put immediately on the defensive.
Hopefully, the offender will understand, accept responsibility, and even apologize. Depending on how that conversation goes, you may choose to forgive the person. You may keep them in your life. On the other hand, it is typically best to cut ties with repeat offenders.
Recommended reading:
Rachman S. Betrayal: a psychological analysis.
Behav Res Ther. 2010;48(4):304-311. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2009.12.002.
